


Newsies headcannons

by Helpless



Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: F/F, F/M, ITS GONNA BE GAY, M/M, Multi, Newsies - Freeform, anyway folks, are there so many gotdamn, why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-08-08 19:44:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 8,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16435646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helpless/pseuds/Helpless
Summary: All the Newsies are gay, you heard it here first folks.





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> just in case u don't realize.......this shit is just my thoughts about them guys and gals. but anyway pls enjoy the show

**Languages**

**Spanish**

  * Jack
  * Smalls
  * Spot (Puerto Rican)
  * Jojo (Colombian) 



**Tagalog**

  * Romeo
  * Henry



**Yiddish**

  * Sarah
  * Davey
  * Les
  * Mush



**French**

  * Finch
  * Albert (Portuguese)
  * Romeo (the language of love)
  * Blink



**Italian**

  * Race



** Portuguese **

  * Albert



**German**

  * Crutchie



**Polish**

  * Elmer



**Hebrew**

  * Mush



**Japanese**

  * Sniper



** Urdu **

  * Elmer



**Russian**

  * Tommy 



 

**Heights**

  * Jojo - 6'3
  * Davey, Specs - 6'2
  * Finch - 6'1
  * Race - 6'0
  * Blink, Jack - 5'11
  * Tommy, Buttons - 5'10
  * Sarah, Mike, Ike - 5'9
  * Katherine, Albert - 5'7
  * Mush, Les, Sniper - 5'6
  * Crutchie, Elmer, Henry - 5'5
  * Smalls, Spot - 5'4
  * Romeo - 5'3



**Families**

**Jack**

Elena Valdez - Mexican

Jonathon Kelly - Irish

Ms. Medda, Spot, Smalls - Adoptive family

**Smalls**

Carlos & Maria Rodriguez - Mexican

Ms. Medda, Spot, Jack - Adoptive family

**Crutchie**

Rosa & Hans Morris - German

Siblings

Ruby - 5

**Sniper**

Cece Kiyoko - Japanese

Jackson - African american

**Davey, Sarah and Les**

Casey and Karen Jacobs - American

**Romeo**

Erika & Brigo Mendoza - Filipino

Siblings

Jeremy - 25

Jeriza - 16

**Katherine**

Joseph Pulitzer - American

Hanna Pulitzer - Hungarian

**Finch**

Martha Cortes - British

Colette Cortes - French

Siblings

Caroline - 10

**Henry**

Miguel & Mary Diray - Filipino

Siblings

Chloe - 21

** Mush **

Gal Meyers - Israeli

Conner Meyers - American

Siblings

John - 14

**Race**

Josef and Isabel Higgins - Italian

Siblings

Sofia & Giovanni - 27

Dante - 24

Aristotle - 13

Maria - 9

**Blink**

Luc and Kate Blu -French

Siblings

Mare & Victorie - 20

** Spot **

Manuel Alverez - Puerto Rican

Caroline Conlon - Irish

Ms. Medda, Jack, Smalls - Adoptive Family

** Specs **

Alysha & Michelle Jackson - African American

Siblings

Starr - 7

** Albert **

Jorgino & Andreia Dasilva - Portuguese

Siblings

Adriano - 24

Marco - 21

**Buttons**

Kyle and Jacee Smith -  American

**Elmer**

Fatima Kasprzak - Pakistani

David Kasprzak - Polish

Siblings

Jasmine & Saba - 27

Casper - 25

Elizabeth - 24

Marian - 21

Omer - 14

Lani - 13

Ali - 7

Danielle - 3

** Mike & Ike **

John & Alexander Faist - Scottish

**Jojo**

Fernando & Marissa De la Guerra - Columbian

Siblings

Miguel - 9

**Tommy boy**

Maria & Michael Kuznetsov - Russian  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Jack Kelly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably mention these are all modern lol

**Jack**

  * Dating Crutchie and Davey
  * He's bi and poly
  * Technically he's Catholic...he's not practicing right now tho
  * He's 20 rn
  * His biological parents are Elena Valdez and Jonathon Kelly. His mother died by over dosing on drugs when he was 5. He's not sure where his father is right now, as he was put into foster care when he was 9 as his father had become abusive.
  * Was in the system until he was 13, going through a string of bad homes before landing with Miss Medda
  * He would literally kill a man for any animal - except horses. Horses can go fuck themselves
  * Has a grudge against horses bc one bit him when he was 14
  * He was only around horses bc instead of an emo phase, he was blessed with a horse girl phase
  * is still desperately trying to erase all evidence of this
  * The only thing he wears is fucking Hawaiian shirts or real shitty painting ones
  * He started painting when he was 5
  * boy literally eats 3000 calories at each meal of the day or none. there is  no in between
  * has a suspicious amount of knowledge about children's cartoons...wont admit to anything tho
  * has stabbed multiple people for trying to take his food
  * has been pushed out of a tree onto smalls
  * can sing real good, but dancing? he can't spin in one (1) circle without getting dizzy
  * Literally the most dramatic bitch ever,  but can't act to save his life. a tru theatre talent wasted
  * Can pick any lock within 30 secs
  * has a real bad habit of getting himself punched
  * Always dtf
  * will protect his friends with his life
  * doesn't have the attention span to read, but really wants to
  * which is why he has 64 unread books collecting dust in his bedroom
  * starts and then abandons projects like crazy, everywhere you look there's  a unfinished painting
  * can and will do a pull up given the opportunity - he's very proud




	3. Smalls

**Smalls**

  * Her real name is Hanna Rodriguez
  * Is dating sniper
  * She's a big ole lesbian
  * she is currently 18
  * Catholic and is actually practicing, jack thinks its wack
  * her parents immigrated before she was born, so she was born a citizen
  * Unfortunately they got caught and deported, leaving her to fend for herself in the foster system
  * got sent to Miss Medda when she was 10
  * hasnt heard from her parents since she was 7
  * She was taller than spot for the first year he lived with them, she never felt so alive 
  * shes so fucking smart, but is passing all her classes with a 60
  * girl just doesn't do her homework
  * when she misses her parents she speaks in Spanish or she blasts sad music
  * very strong, the strongest of all of Meddas kids, can dead lift Jack
  * Has zero artistic talents but science - thats the life
  * her memory is so fucking good?? can recall something that happened when she was 2 in complete detail???
  * she can and will drink anyone under the table - just try to fucking stop her
  * read the entire harry potter series in two days to impress Sniper
  * When she works out she looks so intense so people assume shes listening to so some hard ass shit
  * it's 80's pop
  * watches telenovelas and will take that secret to the GRAVE
  * Only wears Nike or Adidas - literally does not own any other clothes
  * Cannot swim - has tried before and deadass almost immediately drowned
  * she cannot touch her toes
  * she has tried for years but has had zero (0) success
  * can straight up run in 6'' stilettos
  * was that kid that mixed a bunch of random shit together and called it potion
  * her emo phase was overshadowed by jacks horse girl phase thank GOD
  * She is very strong, but cannot do a pull up?? she just straight up can't do one
  *  so so gay for sniper....so so gay




	4. Crutchie

**Crutchie**

  * ****his real name is Charlie Morris
  * He's dating Jack and Davey
  * He's gay and poly
  * He's Christian, but he's the type of Christian that goes to church on Easter and Christmas and that's it
  * He's 19 years old
  * His parents immigrated to the states from Germany, and waited until they were granted permanent residency before having kids
  * Because of this, his little sister is kind of a miracle child considering his mother is 55, and his sister is 5.
  * his left leg is amputated just above the knee
  * He has a prosthetic but hates it and never wears it
  * so he relys on forearm crutches and his wheelchair
  * he loves his sister so much
  * deadass almost threw hands with a four year old who pushed her
  * will call people tf out if they're being abelist, even if it's unintentional
  * has 0 patience for people who're all like "it must be so hard" literally stfu
  * is a disaster in the kitchen, please don't leave him unsupervised
  * swears all the time but blames it on Jack
  * boy literally would survive entirely off of pineapples if Jack and Davey didn't stop him
  * has the voice of an angle
  * he's the bitch in the group who only listens to the most obscure indie bands 
  * he loves swimming so much
  * he doesn't drink often, but catch him high on the daily
  * he has very strong arms, wins every arm wrestle ever
  * loves the colour yellow so much
  * dyes his hair all the time, hasn't had natural hair in 6 years
  * drinks black coffee bc hes a heathen
  * very competitive abt mario cart, has pushed people off the couch to win 
  * literally terrifying when hes angry
  * only watches sitcoms, you can catch him watching full length movies in HELL
  * quotes vines all the time, needs to stop
  * hes so fucking fake w/ people he doesn't like
  * he'll be chatting with someone no problem, then as soon as they leave hes like "THIS BITCH"
  * and goes on a 2 hour rant
  * meets celebrities all the time by accident? everyone else is real jealous
  * has weekly tea sessions with Kath & Al




	5. Sniper

**Sniper**

  * Her real name is Lily Kiyoko
  * she's half black and half Japanese
  * Her mother honestly didn't know anything abt her father, he was just a one nightstand that got her pregnant
  * she just doesn't believe in religion???
  * like it cool if ur religious she just isn't abt that life
  * she's 18 
  * she's gay as fuck, and is dating smalls
  * her mum lowkey came out at the same time she did
  * she has 3c hair, which is fine until she wakes up and then oof
  * she deadass has to get specs or his mums to help with her hair bc her own mom tries so hard, but is just zero help
  * is a closet nerd, she looks ike the kind of person to watch pll on repeat, but honestly just watches starwars
  * is a SLUT for pop music, its all she fuckin listens to
  * has never tried mayonnaise, doesn't want to
  *  she runs competitively, is terrible at it, has like a 10 minute km
  * she has so many candles, like her room is just covered
  * she's on the debate team, fucking dominates that shit
  * that being said she's failing literally all of her classes, is too tired to even give a shit at this point
  * says it was her calling to be gay with the last name Kiyoko
  * her jokes are all just recycled from tumblr
  * she can only make one form of edible food, which is brownies
  * she lifegaurds, and sends memes abt it to the group chat that no one understands
  * she doesn't let smalls by the water, that dumb child would drown
  * has no impulse control, needs constant supervision
  * Sniper: my sexuality doesn't define me
  * literally 5 mins later
  * Sorry i can't, im gay
  * loves harry potter so much, all she talks abt
  * does this thing were if she wants attention she deadass just leans back and screeches
  * can't go one sentence without swearing
  * you can literally see her soul leave her body when shes asked "what are you?"
  * Queen of throwing pointless parties
  * "Oh you did a cartwheel? lets CELEBRATE!!!!!!!"
  * this bitch can and will do a cartwheel if given the oppertunity
  * when her mum isn't home, all she fuckin eats is dry toast, someone pls stop her
  * has -100 self-preservation skills
  * lowkey has a crush on Katherine, but don't we all
  * she handwrites everything for the ~aesthetic~




	6. Davey Jacobs

**Davey**

  * ****his dad died during his senior year
  * he kind of expected for his mum to fall apart, bc they'd been together since 9th grade, but she totally kicked ass and supported them all however she could
  * and damn she is totally his hero
  * he is 20
  * he's Jewish and proud
  * he's gay and poly, dating Crutchie and Jack
  * hes surprisingly strong - like he can lift jack up no problem
  * has resigned himself to being the mum friend  
  * hes brilliant academically, but hes a total dumbass when it comes to street smarts
  * like he has gone up to someone who is obviously a gang member and lectured them abt littering
  * loves dogs so much
  * he may be the mom friend, but hes deffinatley a wine mom
  * has no athletic abilities, doesn't want any
  * hes older than sarah by 2 mins and holds it above her head
  * "Sarah respect your elders" - Davey 5 seconds before being punched
  * honestly he can't cook, but he pretends that he can
  * like he knows all the equipment and terminology, and what he's supposed to do theoretically
  * but when he just.....can't
  * he loves ghosts, will fight anyone who says they aren't real
  * hes talked into so much shit very easily
  * he'll be all guys we can't do that
  * and they'll be yes we can
  * and then hes like well you've convinced me
  * reads so many books, needs to chill
  * he can write essays no problem, but anything else???yikes no thanks
  * is just a really tired pre-law student that just constantly wants a nap
  * has changed his major like 3 times, will probably do it again
  * he listens to heavy metal, which hurts crutchies poor indie heart
  * "babe can you pls not listen to people screaming for like 1 s e c o n d"
  * "no"
  * only wears button ups and cardigans, tried a v neck once, didn't enjoy it
  * he can't run??? Crutchie can honestly beat him with no problem
  * drunk him is like sober race, which is a nice way of saying hes a fucking nightmare
  * has a bad habit of just like appearing and scaring the shit out of everyone
  * willing to fight 24/7 for any reason
  * would deadass kill a man for a psl, isn't ashamed of it




	7. Romeo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i updated the first chapter if u wanna kno what i think they're families are

**Romeo**

  * ****So his real name is Lorenzo
  * Hes 19 (can't read)
  * hes dating Specs and is very Pansexual
  * Hes very catholic, goes to church every Sunday, still a hoe 
  * His parents met through an arranged marriage
  * Not for them tho, it was for His mum and his Dads best friend
  * They fell in love and ran away to America tho (with his Dads friend' s help)
  * They inspire Romeos romantic nature
  * That being said that boy is a disaster 
  * he has 0 game rip
  * Still managed to get laid before him and Specs got together tho
  * anyway he pined after specs for 3 years and then did not make the first move
  * when he gets excited he sorta just bounces?? its like hes vibrating
  * he wears heels every chance he gets, fuckin loves them
  * he exclusively listens to pop music, him and sniper are bros
  * Hes the weak link in the group
  * by that i mean he can't lift anything heavier than one (1) textbook
  * he (tries to) flirt all the time with everybody
  * dont worry specs is cool with it
  * boy takes care of he skin
  * that bitch is glowing
  * none of the newsies have ever seen him angry
  * at this point they're too scared to find out what hes like when mad
  * hes fuckin stone cold
  * never gets scared by anything ever
  * very stubborn
  * Like he has never lost an argument, just bc he like refuses to????
  * drinks coffee year round, his hands are so cold
  * bitch cannot sit properly
  * is v dramatic, solely bc hes just feels the need to be loud all the time
  * can eat ghost peppers without blinking
  * knows how to ride a motorcycle
  * he says it was to impress the ladies
  * but it was bc he impulsively bought it one day and was like
  * what the fuck am i gonna do with this
  * and so now he rides a shitty motorcycle everywhere
  * dresses in aggressively loud colours
  * he wants to be the dancing queen
  * young and sweet
  * but he cannot dance
  * deadass broke his arm trying to dance one time
  * has the highest alcohol tolerance of the group????how
  * literally only eats candy and chips but that bitch is still skinny
  * is hyper 24/7, can't stop wont stop
  * has not found his chill, and to be frank has stopped looking for it




	8. Katherine Plumber

**Katherine**

  * ****her mother was Hungarian but her father didn't find out until she died...yikes
  * her mum died during childbirth, so she never knew her
  * Shes bi, claims that dating Jack was a tragic mistake
  * is currently dating Sarah, and is in LOVE
  * She is 20 years old
  * shes "christian" 
  * meaning she was baptized and then never stepped foot into another church
  * she's very badass, willing to fight anyone anytime
  * "MEET ME BEHIND DENNYS AT 3AM MORRIS YOU PIECE OF SHIT" "katherine no"
  * shes aggressively late to anything her father signs her up for
  * "katherine why were you late" 
  * "because time is a made up concept and also i hate you"
  * Fuckin LIVES for drama
  * bitch only drinks tea if u catch my drift
  * shes trying to learn hungarain so she can have more connections to her mum
  * but she hates the language
  * "ugh its so HArd"
  * her dad is against immigrants, and shes just like "the audacity of this b i t c h"
  * she then proceeded to find the biggest group of queer immigrants to befriend
  * pierced her bellybutton on a dare....dosent regret it
  * has so many tattoos but they're in easy to hide places so no one knows until she takes off her clothes
  * is a slut for acrylic nails, has anew set every week
  * she loves alternative music
  * the emo trinity? sign her the fuck up
  * used to play volleyball
  * but then the nets kept getting higher and the girls kept getting bigger
  * she then decided she was too gay for volleyball and now plays badminton
  * she has so many recites from the whole gang 
  * they're very scared of her and the power she has with the recites
  * she pretends to like spicy food to look hardcore......she does not like it
  * "hey babe do u like me" "we've been dating for over a year" "yeah but still"
  * has weekly tea sessions with Crutchie and Al
  * YOU GUYS ARE NEVER GONNA FUCKIN BELIEVE THIS SHIT
  * has no impulse control
  * is very into helping save the planet, wants evryone to go even just a little bit more green
  * that being said you tear her millions of journals and books out of her cold dead hands
  * really tries to be well informed, doesn't like spreading fake news
  * has only ever gotten a bad mark in one class - art
  * she can't draw for shit
  * shes working on a book rn
  * dont tell anyone but its based off of her and her friends
  * refuses to eat anything purple
  * "ITS PURPLE SARAH! PURPLE DOSENT BELONG IN FUCKIN NATURE" 
  * "this is a fucking lollypop"
  * "and? whats your point?"




	9. Finch

**Finch**

  * So his real name is Patrick Cortes
  * his mothers are the gay romance that everyone wants tbh
  * they met on an exchange program and started dating
  * then made surprise visits to see each other in their respective countries (England and France)
  * they lived in a cottage in England with Finch for a wee while until they moved to the states
  * because of his upbringing, Finch has a very odd combination of accents 
  * his little sister caroline has no accent and shes bitter as hell
  * anyway he is gay and ace and is dating a cute boy in his voice class named conner
  * and he's also QPP with tommy boy
  * hes 19
  * has no religion is not interested in finding one
  * he is terrified of birds
  * does not like his nickname but is just used to it by now
  * has weirdly good aim
  * like he'll stand from about 50 yards away from a cup and throw a ping pong ball and fuckin sink it
  * has big chaotic energy
  * hes really flexible....but for no reason
  * like he took dance until he was 7 and somehow retained the skills???????what a bitch  
  * his fashion style is really..........unique
  * hint, its fuckin awful
  * he wears bellbottoms, crop tops and leather jackets, its a mess
  * plays guitar and all that shit
  * but he only covers riptide and i can't help falling in love with you around his friends
  * he can occasionally be convinced to play wonder wall or allstar
  * he bakes really well, but he can't cook for shit
  * has deadass set the kitchen on fire while making rice
  * he is just horrendous with children
  * like one time a 6 year old came up to him for help, and he looked her in the eye, and said
  * i can only help you if you are not a fugitive
  * bitch was stone cold about it too
  * their mum came up and was like the fuck is wrong with you dude
  * and the little bitch just shrugged and walked away
  * the only exceptions to this are Les and Caroline
  * religiously listens to indie music
  * and only indie music
  * puts enough sugar in his coffee that it shouldn't be considered coffee anymore
  * gay or european? hes both bitch
  * very imaginative mind, but not in the good way
  * more like in the holy shit jack is 5 minutes late, he got into a car crash and died sort of way
  * he has not studied for a single test in his entire life, still has 90's
  * the only reason he wears a leather jacket is to look tough
  * spoiler alert he is not tough
  * used to do track, still runs occasionally
  * he just can't run with other people, they piss him off too much
  * he lives for white mom decor
  * his whole ass apartment is completely covered in shitty inspirational quotes and throw pillows
  * his bf and tommy are less than pleased but too bad bitch
  * has a lot of love to give, is not good at giving it
  * "hey uh Kath, your eyes are different today, its neat"
  * "thanks????"




	10. Sarah Jacobs

**Sarah Jacobs**

  * ****so her dad is dead, she loves her dope ass mum, and thats the tea sis
  * she's 20 years old 
  * shes a lesbian, and is dating Katherine
  * She's a proud new York Jew
  * so shes a gay DISASTER to put it in light terms
  * like she ran into a pole when she first met Katherine bc she was distracted by looking at her
  * she doesn't shave her legs often, but the only reason is because she's too lazy to put that much effort into one thing
  * literally has hair down to her ass
  * when she was 16 she bleached her hair out of rebellion
  * it turned orange
  * she cried for 5 days straight
  * literally only wears sundresses? 
  * like it's -30 (-22 in Fahrenheit) outside and she still pulls up in one
  * she plays volleyball, kicks ass
  * all that bitch drinks in green tea, all day everyday
  * only listens to confirmed lgbt artists, bc she really is that bitch
  * cannot wear heels, literally broke her ankle trying once
  * gets post Halloween depression until December 
  *  cannot deal with Christmas hoes
  * she can cook one (1) dish
  * lasagna
  * its so good, there are never any leftovers, even if its just her and kath
  * writes Katherine shitty poetry and love songs
  * she scares very easily, fuckin pushed les down the stairs when he jumped out at her
  * is in song writing classes and basically every music based class currently
  *  she runs really warm, and cannot sleep with more than a sheet year round
  * willing to suffer through cuddles though bc shes soft
  * she works out all the time with smalls, they're a power duo
  * works at a used book store, which is honestly the cutest fuckin place ever
  * it doubles as a cafe
  * hyper 24/7, physically incapable of calming down
  * has .2% more impulse control than Katherine
  * which makes her the "responsible" one
  * its a fuckin nightmare
  * has participated in several rap battles
  * has yet to win one
  * owns so much jewlery??
  * Sarah stop




	11. Henry

**Henry Diray**

  * tbh the only reason he lives in america is bc his mum got pregnant like a month after she started dating his dad
  * and to avoid telling their parents
  * the fled the Philippines and moved to america
  * his parents are no longer together but they're best friends and live in the same house 
  * its weird but they make it work
  * hes 19
  * hes catholic and practicing, altar serves every know and again
  * hes bi and poly
  * dating buttons and jojo
  * is constantly over everyones bullshit
  * especially jacks dramatic ass
  * honestly if he just got a sandwich and a pat on the head every know and again from his friends he'd be fine
  * is in deep love with chris pratt, watches anything he's in even if it's absolute shit
  * is a total marvel stan 
  * literally cried when stan lee died
  *  is honestly just like gordon ramsey when hes in the kitchen
  * just should not be around other people
  * always does friends giving dinner, trusts no one
  * he likes to scrapbook
  * which leaves everyone confused bc is he a grouchy old man or his cute old wife
  * he only wears shitty hipster clothes
  * he listens to one (1) band
  * its top bc hes that bitch
  * has read 5 books in total outside of school
  * is lowkey possessed by an angry drunk irish man half the time, def ready to fight anyone
  * he has five (5) separate fake ids
  * just wants to party
  * can be nice when he wants to be, but other than that he just offers sarcastic comments
  * has a resting bitch face - poor thing
  * it was mentioned before but he is down to fight anyone at anytime
  * played football when he was a kid, is still capable of doing a bicycle kick 
  * constantly watches vine compilations, is a zesty meme lord
  * thank god hes in culinary school, dumb bitch honestly cant do any thing else
  * did a semester in Paris
  * buttons and jojo almost died
  * is very good at bowling????
  * he hasnt played a single game without getting like 7 streaks
  * can't sleep with any light, owns several sleeping masks
  * steals everyones hoodies
  * no one is safe



 

 


	12. Les Jacobs

**Les**

  * ****only 12 years old, already an disaster
  * bitch is jewish, very loud abt it
  * doesn't have many "real" memories of his dad, only stuff like going to sports gmaes or whatever
  * has been planning his bar mitzvah since he turned 10
  * wants it to be the biggest fuckin party
  * definitely idolizes albert, which freaks al out a wee bit tbh  ~~and makes david jealous~~
  * ~~~~is double jointed bc of course this night mare child is double jointed
  * uses it to freak people out bc hes a bitch
  *  listens to a really weird mix of davey's and sarah's music, its a mess
  * plays fortnite bc what 12 year old doesn't (no he doesn't play it with race *wink wonk*)
  * uses the same damn password for everything bc why not
  * tried to make eggs once, nearly set the house on fire
  * literally just broke everything
  * plays basketball surprisingly well
  * pranks the gang (tm) whenever he sees them bc hes an asshole
  * reads only the books assigned in school, which bc hes 12, has been like 2 books
  * once stole davey's coffee, was on fast play for 2 hours and then he just took a nap
  * can't touch his toes, never will
  * constantly scares sarah, will never get over it
  * is already taller than a bunch of the guys (tm), is mcloving it
  * straight up just doesn't have eyebrows????
  * where did they go
  * only wears shorts and t-shirts
  * is sick all the time
  * but gross gym boy aesthetic can never die
  * when he grows his hair out looks even more like a gym boy douche (tm)
  * but hes an angel
  * super sweet
  * wears his hat backwards to  ~~copy albert~~ look cool
  * doesn't stray from basket ball shoes
  * makes sarah and davey really sad
  * ready to decorate evry year for christ mas on november 1st
  * only doesn't bc sarah literally physically restrains him
  * has beat jack in several races
  * can and will do it again
  * has been prohibited from anything with suagr in it bc hello???
  * nightmare child




	13. Mush Meyers

**Mush**

  * his name is michael meyers 
  * so hes 19 
  * hes gay and dating blink 
  * hes jewish
  * his mother ran away from Israel to attend art school
  * and then she married the first random person she found to attain her green card
  * she fell in love along the way or smth, but it didn't start as love
  * she's his hero if he's being honest
  * so he's like the sweetest boy ever, but don't let this fool you
  * hes still a master pranker
  * he would die for any and all dogs
  * he just really loves the colour pink???
  * literally only drinks pink lemonade to match his aesthetic
  * makes incredible cookies and shit, people are in love
  * but actual food? no way he can't even make fuckin toast
  * fast as shit tbh, bitch has like a 3.75 min mile, shits wack
  * honestly rivals race for the fastest bitch in the gang(tm)
  * has pushed his brother out of a moving car, would do it again
  * lowkey has a resting bitch face
  * but as soon as he smiles its like looking at the sun
  * is a slut for spinach, thinks very highly of it
  * hes a healthy bitch tbh
  * sometimes he talks to his cousins back in israel over the phone
  * it's chaos, they're so loud and pushy, it's very stressful for everyone involved
  * was that bitch that read pjo as a kid and then became a mythology "expert"
  * he did gymnastics until he was 8, which means nothing
  * except for the fact that he can do a perfect cartwheel on any surface
  * listens to fuckin swing music.......like a  _bitch_
  * wants to open his own bakery one day
  * he llives for one day at a time, its his fav
  * he can't art, literally stabbed a canvas and made jack cry
  * all he wears is pink and yellow - but like the pretty shades of it. pastels y'know
  * used to get paid to write essays for other people
  * owns 4 separate pairs of white converse
  * played the clarinet in high school
  * still whips it out occasionally to perform hot cross buns
  * has a really bad attention span, like you look away from him for one second and hes in a tree bc he followed the butterfly there
  * once accidentally broke blinks nose trying to get the blankets from him




	14. Racetrack Higgins

**Race**

  * Bitches real name is Antonio
  * his whole ass family was born in Naples
  * his parents were childhood friends who fell in love (aww)
  * they moved because his brother wanted to go to school in america
  * his parents basically went fuck it we're going too and here they are
  * (his mum also wanted to study to become a better nurse in america but thats not important)
  * they were all able to become permanent residents so now the gang(TM) is stuck with race forever
  * so this bitch is apologetically bi & poly as fuck
  * hes 19 (can't read)
  * hes dating Spot Elmer and Albert 
  * this hoe is christian but he doesn't go to church bc hes a bitch and gets too distracted
  * so this bitch is Italian so obviously everyone expects him to be able to cook
  * and he can
  * but he can only cook fuckin pasta
  * people need to eat food other than pasta race
  * he fuckin loves musical theatre 
  * he cannot sing or dance
  * tries his best tho
  * hes stupid smart  - like hes studying to become an astrophysicist
  * he just makes really dumbass decisions
  * has a small collection of beanie babies he would die for
  * one of those white people who find chili powder spicy
  * runs a lot, did track in hs
  * hes that fake ass bitch who wears band tees w/o actually listening to the music
  * has a difficult relationship with pineapples
  * he loves them but the poor bastard is allergic
  * he has the worlds best handwriting?? its so pretty
  * total slob tbh, leaves his shit everywhere
  * constantly blasts bandstand
  * the guys would complain but it's so good that they can't
  * is very sociable, makes people like him in like .3 seconds
  * bitch lives off caramel macchiato's
  * has never been seen wearing smth other than Adidas or vans
  * literally becomes a hermit whilst studying
  * has run a marathon before bc hes a freak
  * constantly gets into fights for no reason other than hes a lil bitch who likes to fight
  * hates vegetables so much. hes on good terms with fruit but vegetables??
  * yikes
  * constantly uses text speak irl and its annoying as fuck
  * fuckin lives for chipotle
  * really into bbc documentaries? those are the life baby
  * his deepest family secret is that his great grandfather on his dads side is Irish




	15. Kid blink

**Kid Blink**

  * ****his name is Louis Blu
  * hes currently living his best bi life, dating mush
  * hes 20
  * his parents met when they were travelling the world
  * when they got to New York they broke off from the rest of the pack and just stayed??
  * whatever they did blink was born in america so its fine
  * he literally fuming 24/7
  * boi needs to chill the fuck out
  * hes real soft w/ mush tho
  * he'll punch some douche on the nose, and then turn around and kiss mush's cheek
  * REFUSES to listen to anything but emo music from the golden era tm (if u know u know)
  * he can do very simplistic art
  * stick men i'm talking about stick men
  * he at the top of literally all of his classes????
  * and hes a fuckin med student?????
  * can do the cup song at a moments notice
  * loves chick-flicks and romcoms so much its ridiculous
  *  this bitch loves chocolate so much its honestly terrifying how much chocolate he consumes on the daily
  * minimum of 6 bars per day
  * fuckin kicks ass at guitar hero, what a legend
  * is such a pussy when it comes to spicy food holy shit
  * damn babe whats in this food its so spicy
  * its paprika blink. fucking paprika
  * the only food this bitch can cook is microwave rice
  * even then hes somehow fucked that up too before
  * only buying his clothes from shitty obscure emo places??? more likely than you think
  * he used to have a fringe, his sisters have literally sold pictures of it too the gang(tm)
  * is in a constant state of disbelief at everyones dumbassery
  * reads victor hugo in the og french just to be a pretentious little bitch
  * loves peppermint
  * catch him eating candy canes year round w/ no regrets
  * will call anyone out on their bullshit
  * has almost died this way
  * ~~thats how he lost his eye~~
  * used to be in a band, when he was 15
  * has a tumblr (for now) thats used solely fro reblogging shitty poetry
  * can do a backflip for some fuckin reason
  * loves the beach so much, would honestly lives there if he wouldn't catch like 80 diseases immediately




	16. Spot Conlon

**Spot Conlon**

  * ****So this hoes name is sean
  * hes dating race, albert and elmer
  * hes very gay (mood)
  * hes 20
  * so he's catholic, but hes one of the catholics that only go on holidays
  * his parents died when he was 12 after a car crash
  * he was in the system until he was 14, then he went to medda's
  * she adopted him when he was 16
  * he highkey misses his parents
  * he gave Crutchie, davey and sniper the shovel talk
  * it was v awkward, 10/10 would not recommend
  * fuckin hates coffee so much
  * hes a slut for hot chocolate tho
  * this fucker only wears tank tops
  * its literally year round
  * theres so many tank tops 
  * literally only has one pair of shoes that he uses for everything? yikes
  * he eats so much food that its impressive
  * fuckers never full
  * struggles a lot w/ toxic masculinity, but hes working on it
  * thinks puppies are cute as fuck, but,,,,,,
  * as soon as they open their eyes he nopes the fuck out of there
  * he can hold his breath for like 2 mins no problem????
  * wack as shit tbh
  * he wrestles and is very good at it......muscle boi
  * he doesnt give a single fuck about school
  * he gets the grades he needs to keep his scholarship and thats abt it
  * thats his maximum effort(tm)
  * straight up is the only bitcch in the gang(tm) with any goddamn common sense
  * doesnt use it very often tho, just more than the others
  * has gotten into so mnay fuckin fist fights, should probably chill the fuck out 
  * has the worlds shittiest handwriting, it barely considered chicken scratch
  * jams the fuck out to paramore and shit like that
  * hates reading, so so much
  * softest bitch when it comes to small children, what an angel
  * v straight forward, fucker holds nothing back
  * hey babe i got a new shirt
  * its ugly and i hate it
  * ......... _bitch_
  * he can run like 400m b4 tapping the fuck out
  * guess hes just too much of a bitch to run
  * he has fought for his boyfriends collective honor, and will do it again
  * he goes into water and he straight up just sinks like a pack of fuckin rocks
  * fuckers scared of heights




	17. Specs

**Specs**

  * ****his names Benjamin Jackson
  * Benjamin???? I haven't heard that name in years
  * his mothers - shut thje fuck up benjamin
  * he mostly uses he/him pronouns, but hes not opposed to they/them pronouns
  * hes still figuring that whole gender thing out
  * hes dating Romeo
  * hes 19
  * boi is not religous
  * so his mothers met at a Green day concert
  * bc they really are those bitches
  * his middle name is jimmy bc again his mothers really are those bitches
  * hes really chill 24/7, has straight up never lost his temper
  * has that stoner vibe, but has never smoked a weed b4
  * he really likes reading
  * deserves a medal for putting up with everyones bullshit
  * is just the older sibling friend
  * hes in english classes, cannot write anything out of those classes
  * most of the books he reads are gay or have v strong gay subtext
  * hes v into alt and rock music, blames his mothers
  * would straight up kill a man for his family
  * he has a dog at home and he loves her with a his fuckin heart
  * writes very shitty poetry for romeo
  * kicks ass at any and all wii games
  * God couldn't beat him
  * loses his glasses all the time, and honeslty? hes over it
  * would get laser eye surgery if y'know
  * there was no laser in the eye
  * y'all know the lesbian clothing aesthetic? yea thats his whole ass wardrobe
  * sci-fi is his SHIT
  * watches alien movies 24/7
  * never takes a fuckin break ever
  * like bitch you need to sleep jfc
  * honestly he hates shoes???
  * if he has the chance to take his shoes off, then boom they're fuckin gone
  * has lost many pairs of shoes this way
  * isn't good with volume control?
  * he'll be talking like this
  * but theN HES TALKING LIKE THIS
  * hes def a jacket slut 
  * probably owns close to 20 jackets
  * someone stop him pls
  * deadass owns 50 candles
  * specs stop buying stuff you dont need more of challenge
  * fuckin LIVES for pomegranates bitch
  * they're good as fuck




	18. Albert Dasilva

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i haven't posted since last year

**Albert Dasilva**

  * ****his name is Valerio
  * you might be thinking then why the fuck does he go by albert
  * he goes by his middle name, which is adalberto
  * boy americanized the fuck outta his name
  * his mum died when he was 12, literally 3 weeks before they moved to america
  * rip
  * his dad is highkey an abusive piece of shit but his brothers are great :)
  * hes pan and poly 
  * he fuckin 18
  * hes dating spot elmer and race
  * does not believe in God but he believes in a greater power or w/e
  * highkey amazing with kids
  * this shithead eats hot cheetos 24 fuckin 7, needs to not
  * this bitch can fuckin DANCE
  * hes been in classes since he was 3, what a legend
  * hes scary flexible
  * most dancers are but hes like next level its honestly creepy as fuck
  * loves dogs so fuckin much man
  * total space hoe, talks about stars and the planets all day every day
  * loves mean girls so much
  * My name is Regina George
  * Albert stfu its fukcing 3am goddammit
  * speaking of 3am hes always awake at that time bc he has insomnia
  * poor bitch
  * so he was put inot the wrong grade when he moved to america and no one cared enough to fix it???
  * he graduated a year early oop
  * when this bitch gets excited he starts talking real fast in 3 different languages but hes also yelling??
  * no one understands any of it, but they all support him
  * owns so many vans, needs to chill the fuck out 
  * hes real good at all that bitchass school stuff, except for math
  * fuck math
  * hey race what the fuck is y = mx+b
  * babe you're so fuckin stupid
  * y'all know those selfcare threads, yea this bitch always saves them but does jackshit with them
  * this bitch loves drama, will lowkey spur on fights
  * always dtf - fuck or fight tske your pick he'll do both
  * fuckin loves poetry books
  * this bitch likes all music which is fine till he puts his music on shuffle
  * it goes from classical music to fuckin screamo in seconds
  * has never eaten sushi and at this point hes too scared to try
  * hes lactose intolerant but gives 0 shits abt it
  * hey al that has cheese in it
  * does it look like i give a flying fuck jack
  * he has 6 seperate succulents names after broadway stars
  * oh no idina menzel looks a little dry
  * teams up w/ les to prank everyone bc hes a child
  * never brings a jacket bc he "doesn't get cold"
  * but the fool always gets cold
  * he has the loudest fuckin dad sneeze ever
  * it sounds like hes just fuckin screaming




	19. Buttons

**Buttons**

  * her names jane smith
  * ~~she didnt pick jane bc she has a crush on Jane Austen why would you suggest that~~
  * her parents r the worst and kicked her out when she came out to them 
  * she lives w/ her boys now so its all good
  * shes dating Henry and jojo
  * bi and poly trans girl legend
  * she was raised catholic
  * shes 20
  * shes like ready to fuckin murder a man for a fluffy blanket
  * she gets sick really easy
  * honestly if u go to hang out w/ her theres a 55% chance she'll be sick
  * lowkey horny on main
  * has 6 dif ig accounts for all her interests, they all have like 20 followers but thats ok
  * she cant sing for shit, but it doesn't stop her from trying
  * loves ya books
  * she like buys cds, today??
  * also casette tapes
  * but she doesn't have anything to fuckin play them on????
  * she tired 24/7, will sleep in walmart if not stopped
  * cranberry gingerale???? you mean the only thing she drinks year round???
  * she doesn't gossip
  * unless she knows the facts are reall
  * then she spills some fuckin tea
  * she can knit and sew real good, but this bitch c a n n o t crochet and it makes her mad
  * makes ugly ass sweaters for everyone every year
  * hoe cant function w/o 8 cups of coffee
  * literally the biggest fuckin bitch when shes tired
  * which is all the time but shes a nice bitch to her friends
  * her music taste is all pop, but not like common pop 
  * its music that you would think you'd hear on the radio but u dont????
  * loves corduroy, deadass all her pant and skirts are corduroy
  * kinda dresses like the 90's threw up on her but thats ok
  * she can make really kickass bread but thats it
  * she cannot make any other food
  * will fight anyone for any reason at any time
  * you said pink isnt my colour??? i agree but  square tf up bitch
  * alergic to cats but thats not going to fuckin stop her
  * shes majoring in history but has no idea what culture they're studying like ever
  * its a struggle 
  * hey what r u studying rn buttons
  * bold of you to assume i know
  * has never seen a horse in real life, and after stories form jack shes not sure she wants to




	20. Elmer Kasprzak

** Elmer Kasprzak **

  * his name is Eliasz
  * his parents have been married for like 32 years theyre so cute
  * his mums muslim and his dad is catholic and he and most of his siblings are just agnostic
  * religion is banned from dinner time discussions
  *  hes 19
  * hes gay and poly, dating the bitch boys: albert race and spot
  * hes really nice in public and when he first meets people
  * but in private or when hes comfortable with the person he turns into this asshole, dragging everyone
  * he drinks black coffee, highkey a little bitch abt it
  * cant keep track of the passing of time???
  * chances are if you asked him what day it was in january, his dumb bitchass would say some shit like july
  * he plays soccer in a house league, he either plays fantastic or like absolute shit theres no in between
  * he loves alt music so much...BANNERS, COIN, neon trees???? AJR???? sign him tf up
  * he got bbe - big bitch energy
  * always smells like coconut and coffee....no one knows where the coconut comes form
  * not even him
  * he only dresses in bright colors bc they compliment his hair
  * if he cant reach something, catch him doing a fuckin balancing act to get it
  * but he does the dumbest possible one???? there'll be a counter right here and he'll be like
  * what if a stand on these 3 v fragile boxes on this broken chair instead
  * he can surf really good, hes tried to teach his boys to no success
  * they're disasters
  * hes highkey strong af, gives piggyback rides to evryone
  * hes in school to become a teacher
  * its kinda iffy bc he has -100 patience so we'll see where he goes w/ that
  * hasnt gone to the doctors in literal years
  * as soon as he could control that he was like bye bitch
  * cried when b99 was cancelled, cried again when it was picked up
  * fuckin loves mythology so much...calm down bitch
  * boi loves dogs so much, had 5 growing up, only goes home to see them tbh
  * has a higher alcohol tolerance than all his boyfriend combined
  * is reallly good w/ kids until they get bratty
  * then hes like
  * brenda get your shit together im not dealing with this
  * honestly has no artistic abilities rip
  * literally only responds to everything with mood or oof???
  * bitch i just asked you out u can't say mood
  * fuck you spot




	21. Mike

**Mike**

  * his name is Justin Faist
  * hes 19
  * hes bi and single 
  * his dads adopted him and ike when they were 5
  * has another younger brother named sammy, he's 3 and mike is willing to die for him
  * hes not religiopus
  * #1 hype man for everyone
  * has never been quite ever in his life
  * has a bad habit of getting into fistfights 24/7
  * its not because hes overly angery, hes just stupid and says the wrong stuff to the wrong people
  * can't stand anything bitter
  * hoe only drinks hot chocolate
  * would kill a man for like one (1) night of sleep 
  * constanly eating but never gains weight
  * bitch
  * does not want to act like an adult and it shows tbh
  * big dumbass energy
  * did gymnastics for years
  * does flips and shit when hes bored bc hes a bitch
  * hes honestly just those dumb intrusive thoughts as a person
  * what if i jumped out that window
  * MIKE NO
  * has jumped out of several windows
  * never goes to lectures, doesn't take notes, gets decent grades
  * currently in political science, fucking hates it
  * bitch only listens to shitty pop music
  * top 40's?? 
  * yea thats his shit
  * has full on tattoo sleeves, got them done in like 1 year
  * the tattoos are pretty tho, its a bunch of flowers
  * trys to work out daily
  * somedays tho he just doesn't m o v e
  * cannot ride a bike
  * broke his arm trying once
  * it was the week after he turned 19
  * watch every movie, rates them for his 6 tumblr followers
  * has a really cute IG tho
  * bitch loves the umbrella acadamy
  * watched it 3 times already, all for different reasons
  * ~~the third time was to stare at diego and allison~~
  * very eager to fight literally anyone
  * its a serious problem
  * highkey the slutty one 
  * hes proud of his position in the group




	22. Ike

**Ike**

  * his name is jullian faist
  * hes ace and aro
  * 19
  * loves his dads and sammy
  * would sell mike for like 50 cents
  * hes just as much of a dumbass as mike but he hides it better
  * falls under chaotic dumbass
  * hes a nerd but its hard to tell bc he dresses like a fuckboy
  * he also did gymnastics, and he salso a bitch about it
  * constantly demands to be held
  * he talks like john mulaney 
  * only listens to 80's music
  * he works out daily but complains about it
  * before, during and after
  * bc hes a bitch
  * y'all know starkid
  * all he talks about 
  * there was a point in time
  * in which he had bangs
  * he doesn't like to talk about it
  * he trys to watch movies, but he gets distracted
  * its a fuckin struggle on movie night
  * this bitch would die for sushi
  * can't cook
  * frequently forgets to put the water in microwave noodles
  * read the pjo books
  * cried after accident;y throwing out pizza
  * despises mike and ike candies
  * regrets that hes friends with a bunch of unoriginal twats
  * is one of those people who runs and their arms are literally parallel wiht their head
  * its highly amusing
  * always has gum, is not willing to share
  * older by 5 mins
  * talks in his sleep, its fuckin terrifying
  * hey mike, they're coming
  * whos coming?
  * _them_
  * has aprx 72 hats hidden around his apartment
  * you open a cupboard and boom, thats all hats
  * literally lives for drama
  * only drinks breakfast tea like a bitch
  * has a favorite pen, that he holds deeper in his heart than his family
  * cant drive, and shouldn't drive



**Author's Note:**

> my updating schedule:  
> there is no schedule  
> i update in no clear pattern  
> its probably annoying  
> im sorry


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